“Here, let me give you a hand with that.” “No thanks, I’ve got it.” I hate to think how many times the second
voice in that conversation has been mine.
Let you help me? No way! I’m independent, I’m strong, I’m self-reliant. I’m stupid.
Not only am I too stupid to ask for help, I even turn it
down when it is offered. I tell myself
that I do this because I don’t want to put anyone out; I don’t want to impose. These are lies I tell myself. It is really fear that makes me turn away
every offer of help. It may be a reluctance
to be in anyone’s debt, but mostly it is fear of admitting weakness or
admitting failure. If I allow someone to
help me, I’m telling my ego that I am not superman. My ego doesn’t like that.
There are, of course, times when asking for help has been
made necessary by bad choices I have made.
Those times are especially hard on the ego because the weakness and
failure that they illustrate was real.
Many times though, asking for, or at least accepting, help is
simply the smart thing to do.
For example, some years ago I went sailing on Lake
Geneva. I belonged to a sailing club and
we had a number of boats there that day ranging from 14 to 24 feet long. The wind was strong and the water was a
little rough, but the first half of the day I was on one of the larger boats,
enjoying the ride and snapping pictures with the fairly expensive camera I had brought
along. After we stopped for lunch, a
woman who had been on one of the smaller boats was talking about not sailing back
because of the roughness of the water. I
offered to trade places with her so she could ride in the larger, more comfortable
boat. She quickly accepted and then
asked if I would like her to take my camera with her because it might get wet in
the smaller craft. For no good reason
except that I always turn down help, I said no.
Well of course, halfway across the lake we capsized the little sailboat
and my camera didn’t get wet, it got drowned.
All I needed to have done was accept the small favor she had offered,
which would have not imposed on her at all, and I might still have that camera.
Sometimes refusing to ask for or accept help can have much
more serious consequences than just a destroyed camera. In my twelve step group it is vital. We begin recovery by admitting we are
powerless. “Without help it is too much
for us,” but by depending and leaning on each other we succeed. Equally as important as receiving help, is
giving it. It is by helping others that
we strengthen ourselves. It is only by
helping others that we are able to save ourselves. I frequently admonish the young men I counsel
to not reject help. To help them
overcome their reluctance I ask them if they like to help people; I ask them
how they feel when they have helped someone.
Always they say that, yes, they do like helping, it feels good to help. I then ask them to not deny the privilege of
helping to others. When you ask for help, you are usually doing the one you ask
a favor. You are giving them an
opportunity to do good, and it feels good to do good. Hopefully, you will never need for that kind
of helping to be part of your lives, but the lesson that helping and being
helped are both good should be.
Be self reliant, that’s a good thing. But don’t be afraid to ask for help or to
accept it. Remember, "We are all in this
together,” and giving and getting help is how we succeed in life.
