Thursday, May 30, 2013

LOOKING BACK

 In a recent post, I said something to the effect that an autobiography by me would be dull enough to cause coma.  It just may be possible that a talented writer of fiction (the "man behind the curtain" of most "autobiographies") might be able to make something interesting of my life story, but I don't believe I could.  I have, since then, run across this statement:
"The (autobiography) shouldn't be so much about the facts and details of my life but my attitude towards those facts and details," (Film director William Friedkin quoted in a magazine interview).
Since I have been very free about sharing my attitudes in these posts, at least the positive ones, maybe this is an autobiography.  Then again maybe I am just showing my grandkids the person I wish they would think I am.

Anyway, then a funny thing happened.  While I was thinking about my autobiography and how there really isn't much to say, the last line from Robert Frost's "Birches" came to mind.  Something about reflecting on my life and thinking some variation of, "One could do worse than be a...." So the next thing I did was track down the poem (on the internet of course) and read the whole thing for the first time since college.  I was captured by the poem in a way that I never was before!  I've always thought of myself as pretty much tone deaf when it comes to poetry;  The emotion escapes me, the metaphor eludes me, and I am left with little beyond rhythm and rhyme.  Then suddenly I was the boy in the birch woods and I was the man reflecting on his life and wading at least ankle deep in eternal truths.  I don't think I will be tackling "Childe Harold's Pilgrimage" or "Paradise Lost" any time soon, but I may go back and take another look at some other short poems.

This post has been moldering in the draft file for some time now, so I guess I should look for some way to finish it up.  So here's the thing;  reflecting back on life can and probably should generate some feelings of  "I should have done more."  But at the same time, "One could do worse than be a swinger of birches."  In "Poems, Prayers and Promises" John Denver sings, "I guess I'd have to say, it's been a good life all in all."
I have to agree with him.



 Grandma’sBriefs.com

Wednesday, May 1, 2013

HOORAY FOR SPRING! JUST SOME PHOTOS



A year ago (actually thirteen months) I wrote about Spring bursting on us early and enthusiastically in the post that I titled "Green is the color."

 This year has been different, with spring dragging its feet and poking its nose out and pulling back like Punxsutawney Phil on a sunny day.  Finally, it feels like it is really here and the spring flowers are offering proof.

 What looks like a light blanket of snow in the neighboring pasture is really these little white flowers.  I don't even know their name, but I look forward each year to their appearance.

 Even these guys, who I will spend all summer trying to eradicate, bring a smile.

Violets are old friends.  I remember bringing these to my mother when I was very small.

Tulips aren't wildflowers, but they and the daffodils do come back each spring to announce winter's passing.









 Grandma’sBriefs.com

Monday, April 29, 2013

CLUTTER AND TREASURE


Robin's "Ammaponders" blog on clutter:

http://ammaponders.wordpress.com/2013/03/21/i-better-live-a-long-time/

included a line about how her daughters should hope she lives a long time because she is never going to get the clutter under control. Reading it made me think about two things.  One was about the experience of sorting through and removing the "clutter" from my parents house when they died (within 6 months of one another after 53 years of marriage) and the other was about the "clutter" I have accumulated.

It fell on me to perform the sorting and discarding chore in my parents house.  When everything that none of the family wanted and that wouldn't bring in anything at an estate sale was stacked at the curb, it looked like it would need a semi to haul it away.  Some of it was, I'm sure, emotional treasure in my mother's eyes;  much of it was stuff like Reader's Digest Condensed books that was "too good to throw away."  When you grew up in the depression like my folks did, there wasn't much that wasn't too good to throw away.  I have to admit having caught something of that attitude from them.  The saddest part was probably the old photos of people or places that I couldn't even identify.  Who were they?  What did they mean to my parents?  Were they relatives?  Friends?  I'll never know.

I seem to be teetering on the brink of melancholy here so I guess it's time to pull back.  Memories and the artifacts that bring them back are good things, things to be savored.  I'm not one of those people who thinks that some time in the past was the golden age when everything was better, but I do enjoy the selective amnesia that lets me hang on to the good and let go of the not so good.  Drafty, unheatable houses and too much peanut butter and boloney become the stuff of some of those "when I was a boy" stories; fun to tell and stripped of all real unpleasantness. Growing up loved and learning to love are the parts that linger.

A certain part of my stuff actually came from my folks house and some of that even came from my grandmother's.  There are no valuable heirlooms, handed down from generation to generation, just things that invoke memories.  I kept a Reader's Digest Condensed book from my mother's collection because it is one I remember reading one summer when I was in grade school.  I have a paperweight that Grandma Freytag brought back from a trip to Mexico; it brings back memories of her house that feel like a hug across the years.  A couple of shoulder patches, a lump of granite the size and shape of a baseball, an old Monopoly Game and a lot of books I have read that stuck with me, these are all pieces of my life that mean little or nothing to anyone else and will surely be put out with the trash when I am gone.  No matter, they help me to wrap up in the warm blanket of the past and relive happy times.  I once said that each day as it comes is the best day of my life because it contains the memories of all the days before.  These memories that I can see and touch make that statement all the more true.



 Grandma’sBriefs.com




Sunday, April 21, 2013

WHEN I WAS A BOY

When I was a boy

Inspired by:

http://www.grandmasbriefs.com/home/seven-days-and-the-language-of-love.html#comments


I just read the blog entry above, posted by Lisa Carpenter (If you stop now and go to her post my remarks may make more sense.  If you don't, it is, in part, about words and phrases that become a part of a family's lexicon and lore.)  It of course started me thinking of similar phrases in our family.  "About twenty minutes," is one my sons will all recognize.  Loosely translated it means, "It will be ready when it's ready," or "We'll get there when we get there."  Really, it's only funny to us, and only funny at all, because it has been repeated a thousand times over the years.  Mostly, it is an expression of affection between the questioner and the responder.  I'm trying to think how to expand on that last statement, but really, if you don't get it I don't think I can explain it.
  My blogger name, Axiesdad, is another example.  Our middle son, Zak, was born when his brother was three and his vocal skills were still a work in progress.  Zak came "Ax" which somehow became "Axie" and here we are.  "When I was a boy..." is the phrase I use when they begin complaining about how tough they've got it and this immediately gets the response of "Yeah, we know, 'two miles uphill through the snow both ways!' "  In fairness to myself, there was a time when my brother and I did walk two miles to school (and to a one room schoolhouse yet) but it wasn't uphill both ways and if the weather was bad we got a ride.
  One more was "stuff in a pot."  There were times while the boys were growing up that Jan (now Grandma B) was working in the evening and I would be the one to prepare supper.  I have always enjoyed cooking, so this was not a problem, but I do have a tendency to "wing it."  I would look through our supplies until I found some ingredients that seemed like they would go together and just improvise from there.  When I was in the middle of one of these experiments and someone would ask, "What's for supper?"  I would just say it was some stuff in a pot.  This happened often enough that it became a stock answer regardless of what was being prepared, and "stuff in a pot" is a phrase still heard on occasion.  I'm sure there are many more words and phrases that we don't even notice that have special meanings in our particular context.  They are threads in the fabric that is our woven together lives, a part of what makes us US.  It's nearing suppertime now, so I guess I'll go make some stuff in a pot.  It'll be ready in about twenty minutes.

Grandma’sBriefs.com
Grandma’sBriefs.com



Saturday, April 6, 2013

MOVING ON

I think it is time that I acknowledge the change that has taken place in these essays.  I have wandered rather irrevocably away from my original premise "Things my grandkids should know,"  and have pretty much exhausted my store of  "wisdom."    My son's hope for my writing is that it will be a way for his children to know me if I am not around anymore as they grow up.  The truth is, I simply enjoy committing my thoughts to this medium and hoping that they will be read.  Since this changed direction does provide at least a small window into the personality of Grandpa B, I have decided to just run with it.

My thoughts today are being sparked by news from our younger daughter in law that she has embarked on renovating/redecorating their home.  Since that home is the house that Grandma B and I lived in for thirty years until I retired, these changes give me pause.  When she talks about taking down wallpaper, I think about when we put that paper up.  When she talks about getting rid of the couches, I think about when we purchased them.  The wallpaper and the couches, and the drapes and the carpets, are now old and worn out and need to go.  Part of me recognizes this, and part of me is yelling NO, we worked so hard putting all those things in and we had it all just right; Keep it the way we have always had it.  Of course, that part of me is wrong.  It is no longer our home that they are living in.  It's their house now and I love it that she is making it their home.

Of  course, what I am really upset about is simply the passage of time.  Almost forty years ago Grandma B and I embarked on the adventure of creating a home together.  We are now a retired couple whose children are all grown up and gone on to their own lives.  It is painful to recognize that we are no longer the kids who worked hard to turn an old house into our home and that now it is the turn of other kids.  It is also gratifying to look back through all the memories that were created in that home.  The memories won't be taken away because the house has changed owners and is now being changed.  Making a house a home is definitely a labor of love, and it's the best paying job I ever had.

 Grandma’sBriefs.com

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

A M RAMBLINGS

An early morning (for your grandma and me) phone call from the piano tuner has left me wide awake and swimming in a stew of random thoughts so here I am trying to capture some of them before they are all gone.  As usual, in wandering through my mind I have stumbled over some of the bits of literature strewn about in there.  I'm just going to put some of those bits down and then see where this essay goes.  The first one was:

                 CROSSING THE BAR

              Sunset and evening star
              And one clear call for me.
              Let there be no moaning of the bar
              When I put out to sea.

 This expression of Tennyson's contentment with his life (he is asking metaphorically that no one mourn for him when he dies) came back to me as I lay in bed with my wife's warm weight pressing gently against my back and one of the dogs snoring quietly on the floor next to us.  The poet, all his accomplishments not withstanding, cannot have been more content than I am.  From there I spun on to a line from the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, "You will comprehend the word serenity and you will know peace." That's from a section called "The Promises," and it is a promise that I have certainly received.

"Now is the winter of our discontent turned glorious summer," floated by next, and I laid there for a few minutes thinking about how we do in fact make our lives "winter," not by being deprived, but by being dissatisfied.  Like most of Shakespeare's protagonists, Richard III was brought down by his ambition and greed.  Had he actually been content he would have escaped his fate.  Someone put it much more plainly with, "Happiness isn't found in having what you want, it"s found in not wanting what you don't have."  I guess that just brings us back to my "The Richest Man I Ever Knew" story.

Next, for some reason I started thinking about an anecdote I sometimes use when someone is railing about what kind of God allows bad things to happen.  This isn't a story that is apropos of anything happening in my life, it is just where my mind went this morning.

       Picture in your mind two college professors strolling across the campus of a great university like Harvard or Cambridge.  They are discussing the philosophies of Nietzsche and Kierkegaard, Bertrand Russell and Teilhard de Chardin.  As they are walking, one of the professors happens to glance down and sees that his foot is about to come down on an ant.  Without thinking about it or interrupting what he is saying to his companion, he twitches his foot to the side just enough to spare the ant's life.  That ant, going on about his business, completely uncomprehending of his narrow escape, knows as much about the philosophies the two professors were discussing as I know about the mind and plan of God.  To tell myself that I know more is simply hubris.
Grandma B says this story is mostly about me trying to show off how smart I am by naming a couple of philosophers.  I expect she is not completely wrong.  I do know the names, but I had to look up the spellings.  No one ever accused me of being a good student.  The story is also a reminder to me that I have a great deal to be humble about.

This post has been sitting in the draft file for a couple of days now because it felt kind of unfinished, so here is one last thought  to end it on.

I woke up again this morning so it's gonna' be another great day!

Grandma’sBriefs.com

 

Saturday, February 23, 2013

JUST ANOTHER GLIMPSE OF THE PAST

I recently read a humor piece in our local paper in which the writer reminisced about working with her dad.  I could relate of course, because I grew up on a farm where working with Dad (and Mother) started as soon as we were old enough to be of any use at all.  It's sad that the family business/family farm has fallen victim to "progress."  I'm no Luddite who wants to go back to "the good old days," but there are things I miss.

It was a given on the farm that we would begin working as soon as we were able.  The first jobs I can remember were feeding chickens and milking cows.  Not long after, I was steering a tractor as it pulled a baler across the hay field.  Each time we reached the end of the field, Dad would have to jump off the baler, where he was tying the bales, and climb onto the tractor to turn it around because I wasn't strong enough to do it.  I was also too small to reach the pedals used to stop the tractor, but still I was working and contributing to the family enterprise.

A few years later, when I was about 12 years old, Mother took a job to supplement the family income.  Because my brother was two years older than me and big enough to do most of the farm work, he became Dad's helper and I was designated to help Mother.  This mostly consisted of having lunch ready when Dad and John came in from whatever work they were doing.  Oddly enough, I didn't resent this and in fact still enjoy cooking today.  Eventually of course, I was able to work alongside them doing all the different types of work required on a livestock farm.

Of course there was plenty of time to play too.  The big difference was that there wasn't a gang of neighborhood kids to play with, most of the time I played alone or with my brother, your great uncle John.  Imagination was the best toy we had; we were soldiers, cowboys, pilots, sailors, or anything else we chose to be.  Perhaps the best part was having a three hundred acre backyard to play in. Pastures and creeks, barns and trees were our parks and play sets.  Old farm equipment made as good a jungle gym as ever was, with the added benefit that we had to learn to be careful because no safety engineer had made sure there were no sharp edges or hard landings.  We had a few scars by the time we grew up, but I think we were better prepared for the grownup world than we would have been had we been padded and protected from every hazard.

The creek that flowed through the farm was always a focus for exploration, play , and wonder.  We lived on three different farms while I was between eight and eighteen years old and each one of them had a stream running through it that could go from completely dried up in late summer to a raging torrent in early spring.  Even when I was high school age, I still spent many long summer afternoons poking around along the creek, occasionally still playing some of those imagination games that I "should" have outgrown by then.  

Perhaps the greatest blessing of that way of life  was one I have only come to recognize since raising a family of my own.  Mother and Dad were always there.  Even during the few years when Mother worked "in town" it was part time and mostly while we were at school.  Usually we had two parents 24/7 .  A short walk out to where Dad was working and I would ride on the tractor with him while he worked the field.  There wasn't much conversation because of the noise of the equipment, I was just being with him, sharing our world with him.

Extended family was also part of that closeness. Going to visit or being visited by grand parents or Dad's brothers' families was about our only "social" activity.  At least that's the way I remember it being through my grade school years.  Getting together with cousins was always fun, and aunts and uncles treated one anothers kids as if they were their own.  We were family in the best sense.  I still feel some of that whenever I think about my cousins, even though I haven't seen them for years and only rarely communicate even by email.  A big "social" event of the year was the annual Swartout family reunion.  It was the one time when all the cousins would get together at once.  The reunion was held at a park with a well equipped playground  which was another rare treat for us country kids; swings and slides and teeter-totters were town stuff.  The highlight of the reunion was always the meal.  Every family brought something to the feast and, always, the women who prepared the food wanted to show off their best dishes.  Not only was the food as good as they could make it, but for once we kids were allowed total control of what we put on our plates.  No one insisted that we eat our vegetables that day and taking some of every kind of dessert was practically encouraged.

Dad, his brothers and sister; Mother and all the other spouses, are all gone now.  The cousins are scattered, and a few of them gone too, but those days and the feeling of belonging are still a part of me and, I'm sure, a part of all of us who were there.  I hope that whatever has taken the place of family reunions and Sunday visits will mean as much to you some day.